Occupy my pants
UCI’s finest was out in full force, responding to the most grave terrorist threat yet: a man walking around naked. Despite having no leads in the “Black Death” investigation — where an unknown person sent envelopes filled with a white powder with the words Black Death to five faculty members — they are devoting their resources to apprehending and suppressing all forms of deviance on campus. As the man walked from Starbucks to the Student Center, coffee cup in hand, one of our friends in blue violently tackled him and wrestled him to the ground, without warning or provocation. Such force was clearly needed, as the man was ready to shed his clothing to break free. The man was quarantined under a staircase in the Student Center while reinforcements and black garbage bags arrived. Finally, he was carried by 4 officers down to the road where a cruiser was waiting to take him away, though he showed no signs of passive or even active resistance. Drake claims he supports free speech on campus, but only so long as you have a permit and/or pants.